So I realized that I am apparently not so good at this keeping a blog thing...I keep getting destructed and forgetting that I have it. It's like when I was 10 and I said that I would keep a diary my whole life so that when I was old I could pass it on to a child and hope that I left some lasting impression on them. Ha!! I kept the diary for two days and then the rest of the pages went unwritten on. Oh well, I guess I will have to make it a point now. I'm starting a new chapter in my life at this point. I have officially started my student teaching and I am not engaged to be married. It's hard to believe that so much time has passed. However, I have not forgotten the true purpose of this blog. To record my struggles and triumphs as I try to study God's word.
Well today (or rather yesterday) was Sunday. I ended up waking up earlier than I had planned this morning, so I resigned myself to getting ready for church early and going to Sunday school. I had every intention of being there on time. In fact, I left so that I would be 10 minutes early. Well incidentally, I was in the mindset of my home church and thought Sunday school was at 9:30, but instead it was actually at 9:00. So I go the church a whole 20 minutes after class had already started. So I improvised. I ended up taking a walk and found myself outside the town library. there was a wonderful little bench sitting right there in front of the building. I decided that it looked like a nice enough place to stop and decided to sit down and enjoy reading through the Word on my own. I found myself flipping to Proverbs and read the first five chapters. I have to say that this reading didn't exactly sit well with me. The more I read about Wisdom...the more I realized that I had not been focusing on God a whole lot lately. I found myself identifying with the horrible and unrighteous things that were mentioned in those chapters. Obviously I do not mean that I was doing those things literally, but I found myself realizing that I had been in that mindset. I don't know how many times in the last few months that I have wished ill upon someone that I don't like, or have done things that I knew were wrong or even blatantly lied to someone's face. I remember having a feeling of despair while reading these passages, but then something happened. I realized that it was time for me to start walking back to the church. As I closed my Bible and started the what seemed like long road back to the church, I started thinking. What can I do to make these misdeeds better. What I can I change about myself that will make me seem less horrible. I thought about these things all the way back to the church and as I walked inside, I still had not really given myself any answers to my questions. As the service started I pushed my thoughts from my mind and began the weekly ritual of the Sunday service. And my mind stayed that way until we came to part of the service where we confess that we are sinful beings and ask God to have mercy on us. I realized that in that moment I was truely asking for God's mercy. I wasn't just going through the motions like I usually felt (unfortunately). I kept thinking that there was no reason for God to have mercy on me, but that I was going to ask for it anyway. Later, we read the Scriptures and a passage for the day struck a cord with me. It was from the Luke 14. Jesus was talking about bearing your own cross in order to be a disciple of God. I realized that I was trying to bear that cross (my sin), but was not succeeding. The sermon ended being on that very thing.
Pastor Terry was kind enough to point out something, which until this day I did not fully understand about this particular piece of scripture. Many times when we think of bearing a cross, we think of some great burden or duty that God has bestowed upon us and that we most endure in order to be His child, but that is just it. We are sadly mistaken with this. In all actuality, the cross that we must bear is our sin. And I have to say that we are not able to bear that cross. Anyone who tries to bear that cross on their own will fail. We must realize that we do not have the ability to bear our own crosses of sin, but that that was why Jesus was sent to this earth to die for us. He is here to help us bear our cross. Something that we can not do on our own. So the next time you think about baring a cross, remember that it is only through the grace of God that you are able to do so. Never forget that we are nothing without Christ, but that because God took mercy on us and loved us, He sacrificed His only Son in order to save us from certain damnation. I pray that this thought never leaves your mind, but stays there to remind you that you must live by faith alone, which God has so mercifully bestowed upon you.
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